Ted Lasso - S01E05 Tan Lines (2024)

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No: 5 |Season: 1 Episode: 5 |Air Date: 28-Aug-20 |Runtime: 31 mins

Our therapist gave us this code word to use. So if either of us says "Oklahoma", the other one has to tell the God's honest truth. Yeah, you know, it's pretty helpful. Did ruin the musical for me though. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

No. You can't get mad. You broke up with me... How long's a man meant to be alone? What am I supposed to do? Shower by myself? (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Jamie, thank you. Whenever I break up with someone, I spend months questioning it, wondering if I made a huge f*cking mistake. But you have really helped me to feel good about this decision, just by... being you. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Come on. Sam was more open than the jar of peanut butter on my kitchen counter. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Get my tats. Get that one. It's very important to me. Chinese for "arm". (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Summary

Ted reunites with his wife and son. Ted makes a bold choice and takes Jamie out of the game.

Director and Writers

Director: Elliot Hegarty
Writers: Brett Goldstein

Quotes

Ted: Our therapist gave us this code word to use. So if either of us says "Oklahoma," the other one has to tell the God's honest truth. Yeah, you know, it's pretty helpful. Did ruin the musical for me though.

Keeley: Jamie, thank you. Whenever I break up with someone, I spend months questioning it, wondering if I made a huge fu$king mistake. But you have really helped me to feel good about this decision, just by... being you.Jamie: You're welcome.

Ted: Jamie, how many times I gotta tell you to make the extra pass? Come on. Sam was more open than the jar of peanut butter on my kitchen counter.(Players murmur)Ted: Oh, that's right. Y'all don't know I like to keep the peanut butter open. That way, whenever I walk by, I can just stick my finger in there.Roy: It's a fu$king good idea, to be fair.Ted: Yeah, it is.

(Ted runs to meet his family)Nathan: That is a lot longer run than he thinks, though.Coach Beard: Metaphor.

Jamie: I'm happy to be the new brand ambassador for Darsteiner. The favorite beer of Jamie Tartt. (Photographers take pictures) Oh, wait, wait, wait. Get my tats. Get that one. (rolls up his sleeve) It's very important to me. Chinese for "arm."

Rebecca: (referring to Jamie) No judgment, but are you back with that twat?Keeley: No. We're done. (Pause) God, I love that you care though. I'll kiss you on the mouth if I can reach those lips.

Rebecca: If any of the other players needed some branding work done, is that something you'd be interested in?Keeley: I don't want you to offer me a job just 'cause I was nice to you in the loo the other night.Rebecca: Why not? Men give each other jobs in toilets all the time.

Rebecca: What is it you do again?Keeley: I'm sort of famous for being almost famous.

Ted: (to his wife and son) Little tip for y'all, all right? Fries are called "chips." Chips are called "crisps." And "bangers" aren't great songs, but they do make you feel like dancing 'cause they're so darn tasty.

Michelle: Do they, um, wrap the fish-and-chips in newspaper? I read they do that here.Ted: No, no. I wish. Boy, I'd love that. Having my food teach me stuff?Michelle: Yeah, that's your dream scenario, right? A doughnut that knows about Rosa Parks or something.Ted: Yeah. Exactly, yeah. Can fit a lot of wisdom just in the hole.

Ted: Coach's views on romantic relationships are not too dissimilar from his views on cooking steak. You know, you spend any more than five minutes on one, loses its flavor.

Nathan: If you were worried about your relationship, then why did you fly 4,438 miles away?Ted: That is a very specific number to know off the top of your head.Nathan: Oh, well, uh, my dad used to be a cartographer. Used to say I was .001 miles tall.

Higgins: If you're with the right person, even the hard times are easy.Ted: (whistles) Someone call 911. I want to report a truth bomb.Coach Beard: I think... think they do 999 here.Nathan: It is 999.

Ted: I gotta say, man, sometimes you remind me of my grandma with the channel hopper. You just push all the wrong buttons.

Announcer 1: We certainly haven't seen this before. Ted Lasso is running into the stands.Announcer 2: Well, where the hell is he off to?Announcer 1: He's not slowing down on those steps. That's some real impressive cardio from Ted Lasso there.

Ted: Fellas, we're broken. We need to change. And, look, I know change can be scary. One minute, you're playing freeze tag out there at recess with all your buddies. Next thing you know, you're getting zits, your voice gets low. And every time your art teacher, Ms. Scanlon, leans over your desk to check and see how your project's going, you feel all squiggly inside.(chuckles are heard)Ted: Mm. She was a striking woman. Not classically beautiful, but striking. First time I ever saw tan lines.

Roy: Took balls, what you did.Ted: That's all we got is balls, Roy. It's all we got.

(After winning the match)Crowd: Wanker! Wanker!Ted: Well, same word, ain't it?Coach Beard: Yeah, but different.Ted: Yeah, kinda like back in the '80s when bad meant good, right?Coach Beard: Who was president back then?Ted: Ronald Reagan.Coach Beard: "Ronald Reagan? The actor?"Ted: Oh, man. I love it when you do Doc Brown. You walked me right into that.

Music

"Wishin' And Hopin'" by Dusty Springfield (Opening)

"Bring it on Home to Me" by Sam Cooke (Ted and his son play wit lego.)

"Forever" by Mumford & Sons (End scene.)

Notes and Trivia

One of the scenes refer to a famous incident in 2001 when two players of Newcastle went off on each other and the referee had no choice but to send them off. It's a very rare occurrence in football but within the laws of the game. A clip of the incident is easily found on internet. The above incident occurred in 2005 vs Aston Villa, not 2001.

Goofs

None

Locations

Details about common filming locations such as The Crown and Anchor Pub, The Dog Pound Stadium and The Richmond Greyhounds practise field can be found here.